"When was the last time you read a book?!" that was the first question I raised myself when I first started to re-sit my brain in the class several months ago. All these negative little voices start to panic over every single thing involved with returning to school. Every time I was in class, I somehow felt being defeated by that little itch at the back of my mind--just a quick look at email on my iPhone; to write, and erase, a response to a funny comment on Facebook, refreshing likes on Instagram, checking email again, just to be sure. Well, this is actually a quick recap of my earlier days in the Uni; being cheated.
I was pissed. I asked myself the same thing every night whether I am capable of doing all of these things? is it just me who can't coordinate myself (yet) to balance between motherhood and my study or I just can't keep up the things the same again? before married, I was an avid reader and always loveeeee to engage with classical ambiance. I can put myself in 80% when I am in class or in a discussion and I just can't skip a day without reading even just a beauty hacks before sleep. Come to think of it, all I did was to bum around this much and that's why I can't set things out for my wants and my responsibilities. The fact that I miss the escape that books and lecturer brought me before has also brought me... here. Yep, to a whole new world with a new title; a full-time mother and post-graduate student.
I am not lacking support, what was true of my problems--the unavoidable siren call of the digital hit of new information--was true for the rest of my life as well and a tiny little voice inside your head that says a little too loudly: "You don't deserve to go back to school". That's because "mother culture" says we're supposed to put the kids first always, and that doing something for oneself means we're selfish. But, was it true? Don't we are all equally deserve the same access and right to education and career? Wouldn't it be nice if you showed your kids that you, too, are accountable for completing goals? Showing your kids that Mom has tenacity makes you the best role model ever, not a bad or selfish mother.
After graduated in early 2014, I have never been to the library and being forced to read as much as today. Now, I can dance! this is what I need and what we are all need. I am fortunate enough that I can almost access everything in this world when I am a student. Libraries are open to everyone and give millions of people access to books, journals, magazines, and newspapers. That's free knowledge and entertainment for all--you can't beat that. You are somehow earned a value which nobody can steal it. It is true that moment in a library just somehow foster creativity, a love of words, a love of learning, a love of exploration, and a sense of community--a life necessity.
Talking about books. When I think back on my life, I can define a set of books that shaped me intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. Books have always been an escape, a learning experience, a savior, but beyond this, greater than this, certain books became, over time, a kind of glue that holds together my understanding of the world. I think of them as nodes of knowledge and emotion, nodes that knot together the fabric myself. Books, for me anyway, hold together who I am.
Books, in ways that are different to visual art, to music, to a radio, to love even, force us to walk through another's thoughts, one word at a time, over hours and days. We share our minds for that time with the writer. There is a slowness, a forced reflection required by the medium that is unique which recreates someone else's thoughts inside our own minds, and maybe it is this one-to-one mapping of someone else's words, on their own, without external stimuli, that give books their power. Books force us to let someone else's thoughts inhabit our minds completely.
This suppressing of the self is a kind of meditation too -- and while books have always been important to me on their own (pre-digital) merits, it started to occur to me that "learning how to read books again," might also be a way to start weaning my mind away from this dopamine-soaked digital detritus, this meaningless wash of digital information, which would have a double benefit: I would be reading books again, and I would get my mind back through books with education.
And, there are, often, beautiful universes to be found on the other side of the cover of a book.
My goals are not only to achieve the quality of higher education but also in parenting and books shall be every parents' best friend. It might be hard at first to begin everything the same again when you are a mother. But you never actually lose the sparks.Isn't it? Nights spent struggling over homework for hours, studying for tests left for the last minute, meals for your husband are forgotten, dropping your baby late to the school-it feels as if we are going backward instead of forward. But once you find the right patterns, you will find that these things are making you better. Like seriously, better!
Well, this post is dedicated to every woman or mother out there who need a little cheer on their doubt of continuing their dreams. A dream is a wish your heart makes. Watching you set your heart on something and then doing it is powerful.
For now, I can only think about other mother or woman out there who are struggling with their dreams of achieving higher education. In fact, the Center for Talent Innovation found in a 2014 study that 31 percent of women left their jobs--researchers call it an "off-ramp"--for an average of nearly three years, and that 75 percent of those who took a career break did so to care for their children. It's a modern myth that professional women either "lean in" or "opt out" after having children, but, in fact, many women do both.
Relax, you've got this, lady! The first week or two you may be exhausted, overwhelmed, and intimidated by the professor or your classmates, but after some time, it will be no big thing, and you'll be in a new routine-in a sea of good books!
So, don't let your fears talk you out of making a happy career for yourself. It doesn't matter if you want to study fashion or engineering--you are allowed to invest in yourself! and indulge yourself in something that has nothing at all to do with being a mommy. In fact, investing in you makes you the best mommy ever.
I simply looking for personal enrichment--something we richly deserve a better you, don't you think?